The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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