Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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