She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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