I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
