She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
