I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
