So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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