This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
