You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
