He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
