enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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