I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
