I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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