tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
