they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
