Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
