I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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