Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
