420 ftw
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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