My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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