everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
