It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
