You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
