Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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