She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
