im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
