I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I intend to get homeless drunk
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
this is an emotional support booty call
I would fuck him just for his dog
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
