he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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