My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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