Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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