I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
