I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
