I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
