He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
