why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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