Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
