Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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