i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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