There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
