Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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