Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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