good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
