fuck your aforementioned shoe
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
