I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
