there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
