Joe is yelling at the trees again.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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