Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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