if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
