someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Houston, we have a squirter
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
A bitchslap is in order.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
