Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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