Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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