his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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