I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
