Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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