you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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