my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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