"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
