I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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