My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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