I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
